Airmen meet to discuss relationships Published July 29, 2010 By Airman 1st Class Alessandra N. Hurley 28th Bomb Wing Public Affairs ELLSWORTH AIR FORCE BASE, S.D. -- Airmen came together to talk about relationships in a seminar at the Airmen Ministry Center, July 26. The focus of the seminar led by 2nd Lt. Kemuel Bellows, 28th Bomb Wing Chapel chaplain candidate was on how to develop healthy, successful relationships by examining the unique challenges facing Airmen- such as jumping into commitments like marriage too soon. "Accelerated attachment- getting too close too soon- often happens at tech school or on a vacation when feelings intensify over a short period of time," said Lieutenant Bellows. "This often leads to regret and disappointment once reality sets in and Airmen return to the real world." A model for Airmen to follow which gauges whether they're moving in relationships with others too quickly is the relationship attachment model developed by internationally-known counselor and author, Dr. John Van Epp. Each of the five elements represents a feeling of connection and closeness we feel with others: · Know · Trust · Rely · Commit · Touch To be safe in relationships, Lee Sasse, the 28th Medical Operations Squadron mental health flight family advocacy outreach manager encourages Airmen to follow the steps in order. "I wouldn't give my car keys to someone I didn't even know had a driver's license or not," said Lieutenant Bellows. The 28 MDOS recommends a 90-day probation period before moving to the last step in the R.A.M. model, "touch." "There is an Ashanti proverb which states: 'No one tests the depth of a river with both feet,'" said Lieutenant Bellows. "Relationships take time and work." He encourages Airmen to take time to get to know someone- recognizing the proverbial red flags or possible pitfalls in the relationship ahead of time to avoid hastily getting into unhealthy relationships which won't last. "No relationship is worth your well-being," said Lieutenant Bellows. "Just because someone chooses not to be in your life anymore, this should not ruin anybody. If it does, you are putting too much emphasis on that person or relationship." Relationships begin early in life with family members, friends, spouses, and for Airmen, eventually grow to include a Training Instructor at basic military training, co-workers and supervisors- and these relationships can make an impact on choices Airmen make. "One of the reasons I stayed in the military for as long as I have is because of great supervisors who motivate you to keep going," said Chief Master Sgt. Clifton G. Cole, 28th Bomb Wing command chief, who attended the seminar with his wife, Paula Cole. "You learn from both good and bad experiences by not repeating the mistakes others made." By moving to a variety of bases throughout their military career, Airmen are afforded the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of others in order to become the sort of leader other Airmen can respect but this transitional lifestyle can also create a strain on a relationship with a spouse. "It took a lot of work to make the relationship work- and as a spouse, I've had to deal with feelings of being uprooted and not being able to finish school," said Mrs. Cole. "But in the long-run, it's worth it." Mrs. Cole's example of compromise was one example of conflict resolution that was highlighted in the seminar along with learning the five love languages to understand the various ways people interpret and communicate love to others. "I wish I knew all of this stuff years ago," said Lieutenant Bellows. "Do you know how many arguments I could have avoided by knowing what a person wanted instead of doing what I thought he or she wanted because it's what I would want?" The Airmen were given the opportunity to take a quiz to determine which love language applied to them and to discuss their thoughts. The five love languages are: · Words of Affirmation · Quality Time · Receiving Gifts · Acts of Service · Physical Touch At the close of the briefing, Chief Cole offered some words of guidance and encouragement to Airmen. "It's important to find someone with whom you have something in common," said Chief Cole. "I met my wife at the gym because we both enjoy it. Just because you get married doesn't mean you have to give up the things you love. It's tough- we're not perfect but if we work hard, we can strive for perfection. If you shoot for the moon and don't make it, you will at least land among the stars."